She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
