Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
