I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I believe in your delicious
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
