he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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