I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
