dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
