I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
