Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
