I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.