Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
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You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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