the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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