if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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