he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
did you just send me my own nude
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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