my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
