life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
