Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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