If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
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We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
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There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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