Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
