Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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