My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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