The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
