how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
