So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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