i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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