I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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