Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
