i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
