just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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