my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I touched a dick in church today
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My bed smells like the plague
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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