i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
