I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
