I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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