Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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