You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
