Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
