You can't special order awesome
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
