she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
