My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize