did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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