I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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