i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
