weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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