you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
