you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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