I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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