I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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