My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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