I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
