She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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