I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
