at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
