are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
