I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
