those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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