So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
