Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
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He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
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Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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