Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Semen is not good for contacts.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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