Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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