dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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